True, I haven’t had much of a life yet. I’m just 18, and completely normal. I wasn’t a victim of child labour, or an earthquake, or anything. So you could say I don’t really have enough experience to have a philosophy yet. I agree with you. But does that stop anybody from having philosophies?
My bad experiences have mostly been embarrassments, rather than wanton cruelty. Sure, there have been lots and lots of times in my life, especially the last few years, where people close to me have been incredibly toxic. But that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the small things.
I remember small experiences from as back as twelve years ago about which I still cringe. About some of them, I think, okay, I was a child, I had no idea what I was doing, it’s fine, I know better now. And then I don’t feel so bad about it. But the other ones, where I should have behaved better even as I was then, those are the worst.
Silly things that I said, ridiculous replies that I gave, how I looked, how I behaved, these things regularly poke me. They seem very minor to be worrying about when there are so many major things, but I do worry about them right along with the major ones. In fact, I have a sneaky feeling that these minor things mean a lot more to me than some major things.
For example, I would give anything right now to get the chance to go back to 4th grade and stop my then-self from saying “Shame on you!” to my co-monitor when he didn’t know the names of all our classmates. Yes, I worry about that, and yes, I was that bossy. No judgements.
There is no point in me trying to tell myself to stop taking myself so seriously and cease obsessing. Because that’s who I am. How I behave and how others perceive me matters to me. Somehow, I am much more bothered about being socially competent at all times than I am about how to lose those pounds that I need to.
Yes, I do have fun, and lots of it, and I also worry about the right things, the important things. But these small things bug me too. Maybe it’s because I haven’t done anything major to regret yet. Touch wood.
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