Posted in Life, Me and moi

Musings on giving up, losing hope, and taking things easy

I’m pretty sure I’ve never done an original thing in my life. Which is why I’m sure a lot of my fellow students must be in the same position in which I find myself.

It all starts when you realise that for the first time in your life, you’re not the smartest person in class. That happened to me more than 5 years ago.

The next step is when you realise that what you’re supposed to study is going way above your head; that studying ‘hard’ is not going to be good enough. That happened to me 2 years ago.

The next step is when you start avoiding a particular subject, just because it’s too hard. Or too mundane. And then suddenly you’re 3 months behind on your classwork. This moment is when you lose hope.

This moment is when you realise that you’ve lost all perspective and all motivation. This moment is when your brain stops thinking of tomorrow. It stops thinking of anything that is unpleasant, actually. You remain in that state of limbo, distracting yourself with stuff that you think makes you happy, dragging yourself from today to tomorrow.

You know that the inevitable will happen. You’re hoping for a miracle, but you know that you don’t deserve one.

That happened to me 6 months ago. And it kept happening.

I’m disrespecting myself when I waste what I was given. I’m disrespecting the people who have faith in me when I give up. There are no miracles. There is no solution other than trying again. I know I will fail. But I have to keep failing. I have to keep at it.

At times like this, failing at an attempt is the goal. I’m done not attempting anything at all.